Those Advice given by My Parent That Helped Us during my time as a New Parent

"I think I was simply trying to survive for a year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of being a father.

Yet the truth rapidly turned out to be "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her main carer in addition to taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a conversation with his father, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct words "You aren't in a good place. You need some help. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable addressing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are part of a broader failure to communicate amongst men, who still internalise negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a respite - spending a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, profound trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that are harmful," he explains. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a friend, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like you before having a baby. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the stability and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, sometimes I think my job is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."